To My Biological Mother I wanted to hate you for so long.

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkDear biological mom,

For most of my life I wanted to hate you so badly.  I wanted to know nothing about you, I didn’t deserve your time so in my eyes I decided you didn’t deserve mine. For years I struggled with the feelings of never being enough for anyone. If my  own mother didn’t want me who could ever want me? I couldn’t wrap my head around how you could carry me for the X amount of months I was in your belly. How could you continue to raise me in your belly if you never intended to keep me? I will never know if you even held me after you gave birth. Did I ever know what it was like to feel the comfort and touch of my biological mom? Did you even say goodbye to me? When I would cry myself to sleep across the world in America I hoped you felt the pain I was going through.  I told myself I will never forgive you, you didn’t deserve my forgiveness. However, as I got older I started to learn that international adoptions were very different in some ways compared to American adoptions. All I assumed was that you didn’t want me and just left me abandoned on the streets of India. But as I got older I started getting small bits of information that started to change my view of you. I didn’t allow myself to understand fully because I wanted to hate you. I needed someone to blame for all my unfortunate encounters in life. All of my pain needed to fall on someone and it was so easy to let it fall on you. After recent events in my own life I once again felt misplaced and this time I knew I could no longer blame you. This allowed me to look into the reality of international adoptions and the different circumstances females in other countries had to face when it came to birthing and raising a female. As I started to learn about India I started to realize that it wasn’t you who failed me. It was the country that failed us and not only us but thousands of children. I wonder how you felt when you realized I was a girl. How you coped with the realization of knowing you couldn’t raise me. There is no knowledge on my behalf if my biological father was someone you cared about or if you were raped. The more I researched India and the deeper I went into the history of the country I realized there was no right choice to make.  Now that I’ve learned that I was born at a hospital it was most likely the safest place I could be. I was able to be placed in an orphanage where as thousands of Indian kids die on the streets. I now know I need to release all of my built up anger against you and let it go. I truly don’t believe you’d think I would ever make it to this age that I am now. I have doctors and orphanages to thank for that. Regardless of the level of sickness I’ve encountered I was still alive. But the people who saved me are my parents. They have provided me with all the tools I need to thrive in life, they are my family. They have given me the knowledge to understand my circumstances. I’m sorry it took me this long to realize and accept the pain you must carry every day of your life. To be honest I’m not even confident that you’re still alive, but I am alive. I can easily say I am beyond lucky to be alive and it’s all because you gave birth to me.


Kira Ann

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