My Name Is

My name is Abandoned Girl

My name is Apoorva

My name is Inmate 0046

My name is Kira

I’ve watched countless videos and listened to podcasts on adoptees and adoptions. Tried to read as many book on it as I could to try to connect to anything that was said or heard. I spent hours trying to feel connected to strangers who have gone through the same feelings as I. After months of research and reading I realized no one can tell my story the way I can. I also learned how important is it for adoptees to have a voice. It wasn’t easy to find these articles and podcasts. It was even harder to find them on international adoptees. 80% of the stories and videos I watched were the stories of adoption through the adopters eye. The videos of them going to the foreign countries to get their child. Watching those videos always brought me sadness because all I could do was look that adoptee who looks completely lost and confused. The first intimate interaction the adoptee is having with their adopted parents is posted for everyone to see online. As if they’re some prize and the world must see. I always wondered how that child will feel when they grow older and see the video. So often we hear the stories of the adopters and their struggles. Whether it’s their inability to conceive a child on their own or their own losses that have opened them to the idea of adoption.For some reason that’s acceptable to hear but as soon as an adopted child tries to express their feelings they get shut down. The truth is that it is hard for adoptees themselves to be heard and understood on a bigger platform. Ironically it’s even harder adoptees to allow themselves to be okay with thinking these truths. Trying to find a delicate way to express how they feel without stepping on the toes of the people that raised them. Trying to find a middle ground where they can be their honest selves without hurting others. But the reality is that the adoptee is full of so much hurt and loss that it becomes unbearable to handle at times. The push and pull of feeling the need to be grateful for their adoptive parents. But then not understanding why this happened to them. Why is it that an adoptee feels like they have to repay their adoptive parents in a way. It’s this unspoken feeling that adoptees and adoptive parents have. Adoptive parents can reject this as well as adoptees but it doesn’t take away that feeling. Adoptees didn’t ask to be abandoned by their biological mother. They didn’t ask to be shown the hardest parts of life before they could even learn how to stand. They didn’t ask to be taken halfway across the world to be with a family who looks nothing like them. They didn’t ask to be bullied about their parents not wanting them even though the truth is at one point in our lives we were unwanted. Regardless of the reasoning on the biological family’s side, as the adoptee who has to live their life this is what it is. You can not tell an adoptee that it isn’t true. Telling an adoptee that their biological mother gave them up for a better life or because they were loved so much makes no sense. When the child gets older some (not all) at one point will start to analyze themselves. There is no guarantees in this life so insinuating that a life without the person who created them would be better is a little off. Telling a child that they were so loved and yet still not wanted by their biological mom just makes their idea of trust vanish. Going through life with the idea that no matter how much someone loves you, they will still leave you makes relationships on all different levels confusing and destructive.

To My Biological Mother I wanted to hate you for so long.

kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkDear biological mom,

For most of my life I wanted to hate you so badly.  I wanted to know nothing about you, I didn’t deserve your time so in my eyes I decided you didn’t deserve mine. For years I struggled with the feelings of never being enough for anyone. If my  own mother didn’t want me who could ever want me? I couldn’t wrap my head around how you could carry me for the X amount of months I was in your belly. How could you continue to raise me in your belly if you never intended to keep me? I will never know if you even held me after you gave birth. Did I ever know what it was like to feel the comfort and touch of my biological mom? Did you even say goodbye to me? When I would cry myself to sleep across the world in America I hoped you felt the pain I was going through.  I told myself I will never forgive you, you didn’t deserve my forgiveness. However, as I got older I started to learn that international adoptions were very different in some ways compared to American adoptions. All I assumed was that you didn’t want me and just left me abandoned on the streets of India. But as I got older I started getting small bits of information that started to change my view of you. I didn’t allow myself to understand fully because I wanted to hate you. I needed someone to blame for all my unfortunate encounters in life. All of my pain needed to fall on someone and it was so easy to let it fall on you. After recent events in my own life I once again felt misplaced and this time I knew I could no longer blame you. This allowed me to look into the reality of international adoptions and the different circumstances females in other countries had to face when it came to birthing and raising a female. As I started to learn about India I started to realize that it wasn’t you who failed me. It was the country that failed us and not only us but thousands of children. I wonder how you felt when you realized I was a girl. How you coped with the realization of knowing you couldn’t raise me. There is no knowledge on my behalf if my biological father was someone you cared about or if you were raped. The more I researched India and the deeper I went into the history of the country I realized there was no right choice to make.  Now that I’ve learned that I was born at a hospital it was most likely the safest place I could be. I was able to be placed in an orphanage where as thousands of Indian kids die on the streets. I now know I need to release all of my built up anger against you and let it go. I truly don’t believe you’d think I would ever make it to this age that I am now. I have doctors and orphanages to thank for that. Regardless of the level of sickness I’ve encountered I was still alive. But the people who saved me are my parents. They have provided me with all the tools I need to thrive in life, they are my family. They have given me the knowledge to understand my circumstances. I’m sorry it took me this long to realize and accept the pain you must carry every day of your life. To be honest I’m not even confident that you’re still alive, but I am alive. I can easily say I am beyond lucky to be alive and it’s all because you gave birth to me.

Sincerely,

Kira Ann