My Name Is

My name is Abandoned Girl

My name is Apoorva

My name is Inmate 0046

My name is Kira

I’ve watched countless videos and listened to podcasts on adoptees and adoptions. Tried to read as many book on it as I could to try to connect to anything that was said or heard. I spent hours trying to feel connected to strangers who have gone through the same feelings as I. After months of research and reading I realized no one can tell my story the way I can. I also learned how important is it for adoptees to have a voice. It wasn’t easy to find these articles and podcasts. It was even harder to find them on international adoptees. 80% of the stories and videos I watched were the stories of adoption through the adopters eye. The videos of them going to the foreign countries to get their child. Watching those videos always brought me sadness because all I could do was look that adoptee who looks completely lost and confused. The first intimate interaction the adoptee is having with their adopted parents is posted for everyone to see online. As if they’re some prize and the world must see. I always wondered how that child will feel when they grow older and see the video. So often we hear the stories of the adopters and their struggles. Whether it’s their inability to conceive a child on their own or their own losses that have opened them to the idea of adoption.For some reason that’s acceptable to hear but as soon as an adopted child tries to express their feelings they get shut down. The truth is that it is hard for adoptees themselves to be heard and understood on a bigger platform. Ironically it’s even harder adoptees to allow themselves to be okay with thinking these truths. Trying to find a delicate way to express how they feel without stepping on the toes of the people that raised them. Trying to find a middle ground where they can be their honest selves without hurting others. But the reality is that the adoptee is full of so much hurt and loss that it becomes unbearable to handle at times. The push and pull of feeling the need to be grateful for their adoptive parents. But then not understanding why this happened to them. Why is it that an adoptee feels like they have to repay their adoptive parents in a way. It’s this unspoken feeling that adoptees and adoptive parents have. Adoptive parents can reject this as well as adoptees but it doesn’t take away that feeling. Adoptees didn’t ask to be abandoned by their biological mother. They didn’t ask to be shown the hardest parts of life before they could even learn how to stand. They didn’t ask to be taken halfway across the world to be with a family who looks nothing like them. They didn’t ask to be bullied about their parents not wanting them even though the truth is at one point in our lives we were unwanted. Regardless of the reasoning on the biological family’s side, as the adoptee who has to live their life this is what it is. You can not tell an adoptee that it isn’t true. Telling an adoptee that their biological mother gave them up for a better life or because they were loved so much makes no sense. When the child gets older some (not all) at one point will start to analyze themselves. There is no guarantees in this life so insinuating that a life without the person who created them would be better is a little off. Telling a child that they were so loved and yet still not wanted by their biological mom just makes their idea of trust vanish. Going through life with the idea that no matter how much someone loves you, they will still leave you makes relationships on all different levels confusing and destructive.